As the top website on all things management consulting, we’re creating a chronicle of the funniest management consulting jokes around. If you’re going to be working in the industry, you won’t get far without a sense of humor.
There are tons of perks to being a management consultant – you can make tons of money, work with prestigious clients, and travel to all sorts of places. With all of this fanfare, it’s no wonder why people outside the biz want to make fun of us!
But we make fun of ourselves too, especially when it comes to the down sides of the industry – the relentless travel, the monotonous hotel rooms, and the quirky consulting buzz words, to name a few.
These are great to share with friends, colleagues, and possibly even your significant other! (They could give some real insight into the mind of a consultant!) If you have more jokes, add them below or contact us!
The Devil tells a Consultant, “OK, I can make you richer, more successful and more famous than any Consultant alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest Consultant that ever walked the planet.”
“Great” says the Consultant, “What do I have to do in return?”
The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, just for good measure, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”
“Wait a minute,” the Consultant says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”
There are Two Golden Rules in Project Management:
1. Never tell anyone all you know
[pause] … and that’s it!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a Manager”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man below, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault.”
A consultant is …a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women.
A lawyer, a doctor and a management consultant were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want to divorce, there are a number of complex legal problems to resolve and it will probably be very expensive.”
The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security and wellbeing lowers your stress and your blood pressure and is good for your health.”
The management consultant says: “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when your wife thinks you’re with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to the office and get some work done.”
You Might Be a Consultant if…you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors … again.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”
“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
A guy was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the path…
It said “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.
The frog chimed up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The guy stopped, took the frog out of his pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me.” Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, “What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve told you I’m an enchanting, beautiful princess; that I’ll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The guy said, “Look, I’m a consultant. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – How cool is THAT!! ”
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world.”
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “Don’t try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, “You’re wasting too much time. Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?”
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”
The classified ad said, “Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience.”
The man who won the job asked, “I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why ‘one armed’?”
The CEO answered, “I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase ‘on the other hand’.”
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from your Consultant
- You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
- Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
- How about paying us based on the success of the project?
- This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
- Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
- I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
- Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
- I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
- The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
- Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.
“Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.” Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to “getting into” E-mail and how to access the “Information Highway.”
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, “The sign advertising the concert said, ‘[email protected]:30PM’.”
You Might Be a Consultant if…
- you ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
- you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.
- you decide to reorganize your family into a “team-based organization.”
- you think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don’t know.
- you believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
- you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
- you can explain the difference between “down-sizing,” “right-sizing,” and “firing people’s arses,” and you actually believe your explanation.
- you can spell “paradigm” and you actually know what a paradigm is.
- you start referring to your PC by a cute name.
- you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren’t on, the bed isn’t turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow.
- “vacationing” is spending an entire weekend in your own home.
- you write a workplan for your weekends.
From workjoke.com and dcs-media.com
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What’s your budget?
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical examination.
The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”
The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Marry a management consultant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
A man walked into a management consultant’s office and inquired about the rates for undertaking an assignment.
“Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus sales tax and expenses) for three questions”, replied the consultant.
“Isn’t that ridiculously expensive?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the consultant replied, “and what was your third question?”
In a village in darkest Africa a sign hung over a Headhunter’s market stall:
- Ordinary brains $10 /lb
- Engineer brains $8 /lb
- Doctor brains $7 /lb
- Accountant brains $15 /lb
- Consultant brains $114 /lb
Asked to explain the relatively high cost of consultant brains, the Headhunter said “You don’t appreciate how many consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!”
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey. The proprietor takes him to the back of the store and shows him three identical looking, well cared for and content monkeys each housed in spacious, animal friendly environments. “This one costs $600,” says the owner. “Why so much?” asks the customer. “Because it can sing and play the Banjo” answers the owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1,200, because it can talk, translate 20 languages and mix cocktails.” The man is astonished and asks about the third monkey.
“That one costs $4,000,” answers the proprietor. “4,000 dollars!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?” To which the owner replies, “To be frank, I’ve never seen it do anything, but it calls itself a consultant.”